well, so here i am. this time was suppose to be about my sweet niece, cristal; my dear great nephew, nick. this time wasn't suppose to be about me. but here i am. how does one "buy in to" the notion that things will now change; surgery, convalescence, can't work, outpouring of love/prayers/gifts. "this" is not me.
i call this diagnosis of colon cancer, "this", cuz i can't wrap my brain around it any other way. so, "it" is foreign to me, and will be removed from me as such.
i need this time to be about my family and the kids. there is no time for "this" that is now taking up my time.
but i have to remember that "this" is a process, and by all descriptions is also a gift. already "this" has touched so many lives. there are lots of hugs around me, lots of laughter, lots of prayers, and lots of outpouring of kindness. in my darkest hours, though, "this" does creep in and it is me [whisper].
i won't lie: i am scared. i worry. and i'm concerned about my family and the people who love me that their hearts are being affected by "this".
i am not a patient; i'm a nurse. whew...this one is a tough one. but, between now and 12/30/09 at 7am, i better figure out how to be a patient.
i just pray that that will be all i'll have to do. just convalesce...and move on into a bright and shiny future that is yet to be determined, but i know will be full of joy and light. Amen.