whew, anyone get that truck's license plate!!??!!

...what a long 2 weeks this has been! whew!!

today, i am 2 weeks post op, and have been home for a week.

unfortunately, while trying to prepare myself for the thought of surgery, i forgot to include recovery. so, it hit me hard.

but, today, i am feeling like i am beginning to be on the other side of "it". thankfully, and i owe it all to my best friend, debbie, for caring for me in the flesh and God for healing me with the Holy Spirit.

this past week i have spent, mostly, in bed as i have had no energy at all to speak of.

i apologize that i have not called and or written. but energy just for these things were depleting.

tomorrow i see the surgeon for staple removal...Hallelujah!

and friday i see an oncologist to know The Plan, of which by all indications will be just fine.

today my goals are to take a shower! again, Hallelujah! and to stay out of bed until tonite when it's suppose to be Time for bed. :)

thankfully, i have turned a corner.

thank you, everyone, for prayers and continued love and support.
i'll update as i know anything
love
cathy

escaped - Wednesday 6pm

whew...thought we'd never do it...escaped/discharged from the hospital. while my surgeon's collegue scratched his silver head pondering if my being discharged home with nausea, constipation and literal inability to rest was a detriment to coming home. out of the other side of his mouth, he agreed, that i would fair much better at home with my caring for myself despite that they've done about as much as they would do for me. afterall....i could pass gas (yippee me!), and i've had a least one BM (ROCK STAR! and always to be remembered for), then why the heck else stay in the hospital. it'd been 7 days for goodness gracious.

and in those 7 days, i saw 2 families come and go that were my roomates in my hotel room....both as loud and abnoxious as the other family. see, told you i was in a hotel?

talk about peace and quiet being tatamount to healing........well, i advise not to count on it in the hospital. there was never more sounds of things being dropped; conversations between people right outside your door; machines buzzing and beeping; and constant interruption both by human and audible assault.

as far as the surgery i had. they removed a 2.9cm tumor along with the right side of my colon and reconnected both ends.

biopsy report shows that of all 21 lymph nodes, 0 were infectected with cancer.

the report says the tumor did grow outside of the wall of the colon, so discussion needs to still occur with oncology with what that means; and the plan. nothing in relation to chemotherapy (if the plan) would occur till after i've healed from this surgery.

healing! that is my mantra now....my beautiful sister, janet, and sweet niece caitly, helped me escape from the hopsital last night. and i have been sleeping ever since. though not have any energy at all to speak of i made myself take a shower in my shower (as my best friend cleaned it and i wanted to feel beautiful again).

debbie also cleaned by bed and sheets...so it was a double dream to slip into my wonderful huge/soft bed. thank you very much family and friends.

i'll have staples removed from my belly later next week, but till then plan on eating slow, eating orgainically, and drinking alot of fluids. i am meeting my new digestive system for the first time and am having problems figuring out what turns her on and what makes her giggle :)

love and hugs to everyone through this process. i'm still real slow, and i'm still real tired, but have plans on reconnecting and writing, etc. soon.
cathy/semicolon

finally wednesday......

....whew.."it's" here. got a call from the hospital (which i seem to prefer to call it a "hotel") saying to be there at 6am this morning. yikes! are lights even on that early in the morning??

surgery is at 8

pray for steady surgical hands

pray for nuttin else in "there" but them chickens....

and a healing process that'll get me home watching the Buckeyes beat the Ducks! oh, you KNOW i had to go there! :) OHIO STATE!!! :)

k, so except for askin for a tummy tuck and boob job, while in surgery, i'm a thinkin things will be going great. don't think the surgeon will oblige, but once she's "there", she just might feel sorry for me :)

my niece says i'll be a semi-colon, now. guess that ain't all bad...semi-colons have a lot to say! :)

take care all...Happy New Year...and here's to no more hospitals EVER again.
love you all
cathy

Monday.....

.......yep, it's Monday. i don't know how to fill my day today. this waiting game till wednesday is nerve racking.

i'll drink a few more sips of coffee

take a shower

and go and hang out at my sister's house, with my mom

see what comes up

waiting.....

Today is Sunday....

......the Landmarks that were keeping me very far away from, what i now call D-Day, are slipping by: mom is here to visit; my niece caitlyn had her choir concert and 18th birthday; her high school choir sang at the Grotto; my best friend debbie came into town; my sister janet had a sermon at our church; dinner with my friends, laughing with my mom; Christmas eve was here; Christmas came....and now comes the slow march to wednesday, D-Day. today....monday.....prep tuesday....go wednesday....

all of these Landmarks were beautiful, and awesome and ful-filling as well as cherished and i kept them in slow motion to remember every smile, every touch and every experience.

good news is i'll get to see my great surgeon who i haven't seen since she sat in front of me and said "you have cancer". so, that'll be cool. cuz, she's cool!

but i'm freakin on what to do with these minutes between now and then. do i get on my knees and pray, and pray? do i pull out every book i can, and read to find the solace i seem to be just out of reach in feeling?, to calm these weird fears and emotions inside? how much harder do i cling to those that i won't be able to cling to as i'm wheeled into the surgical suite? ultimately, i am physically alone. i know God is with me. but physically i need to do this alone. agggh! i don't know how to do "this", and i don't think i am at all doing it very successfully.

i had such plans for keeping my chin up.
trusting in God for the road that is beyond what this strange thing is that i am heading toward.
but now i don't seem to be able to see that beyond anymore.
and i feel stuck right here and now in depression, anger, fear, anger, and fear.
i feel like a spoiled child that didn't get the Christmas present so secretly desired, but never really asked for, cuz everyone's suppose to know what you secretly desire, right?

agh...

i've never cried so much...i want to cling to everyone with a passion that says 'please don't let me go'; 'please take away my fear'; 'please say it is not true that i'll wake up in the hospital afterall'.

i am a mess
and, today/sunday, i am not at all doing the justice that i planned to do/be in being a good role model for nicki and cristal; being brave as they are.

thank God today is sunday. i have a few more days to get-it-together. i am determined again.
cathy

melt down 101

welp, i finally had it...melt down 101. poor debbie..my best friend visiting from LA.....i make dinner for her and just before serving totally had a melt down. :(

along with "this", i've been suffering with insomnia and have been prescribed meds as such....see, that's what i get for getting into the medical stream 'o things....prescriptions, meds, chemicals. but, desperate and needy, i obliged. well, meds have opposite effects on me....benadryl, makes me hyper (not a pretty site), etc.

so, along with trying different sleep aides (which do not work at all for me), i was prescribed an antidepressant. theory sounded good....treat the depression, make me sleep......NOT! made me unable to emote....not a good thing for someone who needs to prepare for the eventuality of acceptance of "this" thing in my body needing to be cut out...reality trying to hit home but being blocked.

today, my niece has written that she doesn't appear, and or feel, that she is a cancer patient until now, as she is losing her hair from chemo.....i feel exactly the same. from the outside, no one would ever guess that i have "this" thing inside me. a foreign body that i can feel, now, every single minute of every single day. i hate "this" thing inside of me. i'm being given waaaaay too much time to live with it, since diagnosis, to surgery next week. and i feel it there.....ever present. this damn thing.

oh, so back to the antidepressant and melt down......i finally stopped taking it, the zoloft (only after a week of doing so). i felt emotion inside welling, but it would not spill over. i deserve to feel emotion, right? i deserve to cry, and be angry. my life has changed. and now i have to prepare for going to the hospital! but i felt pent up and unable to feel. so i stopped taking it.

cerebrally, i know that in the hospital they will make me a patient: take away my belongings, strip me of my clothes, change my identity and or assume one of me, what makes you 'you' will become generic. and then to beat it all they will have me put on a hideous gown that they can get to everything in, at their every whim. my body will now be theirs. they will ask me to lie down....a "less than" position to their authority, giving them the right to come and do whatever they have to do to me: needles, take things, give things, call me "sweetie/hon", and never answer my call bell.

they will make me their patient......."patient"....that's usually what i have for other's, patience. now i will be made to lay down and be one: "patient".....waiting with restraint as they do with me as they will....patiently. trying verrrry hard to be patient.

i toy with the idea of telling them i am a Registered Nurse. us RN's do not like taking care of other RN's. it makes us naturally nervous and psychotic :)) seriously.....we feel like the RN we are caring for is watching our every move and critically critiquing as such. you see, our profession, really, is an eat-our-young kind of profession. we are, normally, not very supportive of each other...a shame, and a practice i do not partake in.

not only that, if i tell them that i am an RN, they actually make you do your own things, sometimes....seriously, they do. i was in someone's hospital room, one time, visiting and the RN found out i was a peer and she suggested i take care of that person's IV for them....seriously! seriously!!??!! :)

so, i say, i don't tell them. i actually do need to be a "patient". because you know what?? i need some patience right now. so, i will lie down; i will let them care for me; and i will let them give me what i am needing....to be cured of "this" thing inside of me. to heal. and to then move on and be a survivor.

so....the melt down......i stopped the zoloft. i stopped the prescriptions meds for sleep...weren't workin anyway. and i've decided to feel. i have a reason to feel, i have a situation that is needing emotion, and i have reason to worry at night. this is all not to say that i am not taking care of myself, as i am: i have great friends that are making me laugh and love me so beautifully, and family that are doing the same. so, i'm good.

so.....i think i have passed through the shock stage. i think i am at the "holy smokes, WTF, and get-thee-prepared, girl" stage for surgery and hospitalization. you see...i need to...i have no choice. wow...that's another topic for another day.....no choice.

anyway, so i cried for 24 hours......finally just went ahead and boohoo'ed myself into smitherenes......and am feeling better for it, actually. i am now on the beginning path of trying to visualize myself walking into the hospital, with my mom and my sister at my side. and being stripped of who i am. putting my "self" into the hands of the medical team.

yeah, me! :)

a week from today...but who's counting.

love you all very much
cathy

The Power of Faith - Hannah More Kohaus (1745-1833)

the following is a prayer that my grandmother, had framed of which i am thank-full, somehow had become one of my possessions over the years. i have it on my kitchen window sill, in the old frame that was hers, and read it often. i've been wanting to share it, so hope it is help-full for someone:

The Prayer of Faith, Hannah More Kohaus (1745-1833)

God is my help in every need;

God does my every hunger feed;

God walks beside me, guides my way

Through every moment of the day.

I now am wise, I now am true,

Patient, kind, and loving, too.

All things i am, can do, and be,

Through Christ, the Truth that is in me.

God is my health, I can't be sick;

God is my strength, unfailing, quick;

God is my all, I know no fear,

Since God and love and Truth are here.

hope this helps any that are seeking where to place their faith, i.e. trust

love to all

cathy