Today is Sunday....

......the Landmarks that were keeping me very far away from, what i now call D-Day, are slipping by: mom is here to visit; my niece caitlyn had her choir concert and 18th birthday; her high school choir sang at the Grotto; my best friend debbie came into town; my sister janet had a sermon at our church; dinner with my friends, laughing with my mom; Christmas eve was here; Christmas came....and now comes the slow march to wednesday, D-Day. today....monday.....prep tuesday....go wednesday....

all of these Landmarks were beautiful, and awesome and ful-filling as well as cherished and i kept them in slow motion to remember every smile, every touch and every experience.

good news is i'll get to see my great surgeon who i haven't seen since she sat in front of me and said "you have cancer". so, that'll be cool. cuz, she's cool!

but i'm freakin on what to do with these minutes between now and then. do i get on my knees and pray, and pray? do i pull out every book i can, and read to find the solace i seem to be just out of reach in feeling?, to calm these weird fears and emotions inside? how much harder do i cling to those that i won't be able to cling to as i'm wheeled into the surgical suite? ultimately, i am physically alone. i know God is with me. but physically i need to do this alone. agggh! i don't know how to do "this", and i don't think i am at all doing it very successfully.

i had such plans for keeping my chin up.
trusting in God for the road that is beyond what this strange thing is that i am heading toward.
but now i don't seem to be able to see that beyond anymore.
and i feel stuck right here and now in depression, anger, fear, anger, and fear.
i feel like a spoiled child that didn't get the Christmas present so secretly desired, but never really asked for, cuz everyone's suppose to know what you secretly desire, right?

agh...

i've never cried so much...i want to cling to everyone with a passion that says 'please don't let me go'; 'please take away my fear'; 'please say it is not true that i'll wake up in the hospital afterall'.

i am a mess
and, today/sunday, i am not at all doing the justice that i planned to do/be in being a good role model for nicki and cristal; being brave as they are.

thank God today is sunday. i have a few more days to get-it-together. i am determined again.
cathy